I'm not going to say it doesn't help, but I'm saying now without drugs, I managed to solve a lot of the things that were causing my depression: the pain from the past, and general reactions to things. I react alot by hurting.
If I didn't write or talk about it, I wouldn't be able to rationalise it. I would just be feeling it. The journal started as something to help me analyse things, but also to help you analyse things too. I guess I am not saying that drugs won't help, I'm just going to tell you about things drugs DON'T help.
Drugs don't heal your past
If you stop taking the drug, your past is still messed up. It's just that if you wait long enough, you might have a different perspective on it. Drugs may help you function and numb out some serious pain. You can think of them as a painkiller for emotional and mental wounds. These still need time to heal. Some wounds are gashing and bleeding and you need more than time to heal, thats why...
I would still go to therapy or talk to someone
Doesn't matter what the problem is, please go talk to somebody. Usually if you can afford it, a therapist who you can trust and have some kind of rapport with. Don't be afraid to change therapists, I've left quite a few before talking to some. Some of the best people I talked to were: an anonymous man on a suicide helpline that stayed with me for way over an hour, a regular nurse at the local clinic, and finally a nice university therapist. You meet all kinds of people, and at certain times even friends can offer therapeutic support but I would go to a professional first. They can handle the stress of listening to trauma. Friends can really care but alot of people do have limits.
Drugs will cause side effects
Loss of libido, effects on your menstrual cycle, liver damage, these are all part and parcel with taking antidepressants so make sure you know what you are doing. Cure the source before you go for the symptoms. Crying and being depressed are symptoms of deeper problems. I even got to the source of some things by having massage done. Some pain is stored so deep it becomes knots in your muscles and tissues, and you remember why you tensed up that place when you have it worked on.
(I actually have a friend who needs to be on the right drugs to feel okay. I don't really know too much about his disorder but maybe he mentioned it could have been bipolar. He switches drugs quite often, and quite often sounds fine, he sometimes messages me, he doesnt live here. He quite often reaches out to me suddenly because I guess he has lost alot of friends, I have only met him a few times, so it is more someone who I have been talking to online. But to repeat here, drugs are not making him well, but are keeping him functional so he can work and study maths).
So update of my current situation:
- House is still a mess. I mean mess as in symptomatic of those hoarder people except without as much hoarding. i dont hoard many things i just dont put my things away in the right places. I've had that problem since about 11 when i had an incidence of sexual innocence violated by my own parent. That one still brings tears. I even had on some forums for sexual abuse that some people would say hey it wasnt rape, just touching your ass is that sexual abuse? or my own brother said that. For me it is definitely a violation, a violation of trust, a violation of boundaries between a parent and a child. Like a shattering of dreams. Your parent shouldnt be sexually attracted to you, shouldn't pinch your ass to see how firm it is. It's horrible isn't it? Isn't it horrible?
- I've been studying and working, I manage. Sometimes when working, especially because its independent work, it's quite hard to concentrate. But i dont need drugs to supercharge me, I think i need love and care to fix me to a state where I can concentrate better.I think everyone slacks sometimes though
- I need a lot of affection. This was draining on relationships, ive been single for a while and it hasnt been that bad. i date people occasionally and even fall in love with people, but no relationship yet. Maybe its for the better or not. If they are suportive its fine, if not we would split up anyway. I guess i learnt not to care about it so much
- I have fulfilling hobbies and dreams. I'm still being an artist and making music so I'm happy about that. I'm happy and grateful for the nice people I do meet.
- I looked like my previous update and wow. As long as I love someone or have some love in my heart for someone, it takes most of the stress away. I'm so happy I have someone like that. Actually I have two people who care about me very much. Very much. We are close, and I feel happy and relieved. I wanna do kind things for them and cherish that.
- I try my best. I think that's all you can do in life. Try your best, don't worry too much, or don't really worry. Try to talk it out with someone if you are worried. Be happy, and regardless that the past doesn't disappear, try to live beyond it.
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