This is better named as a diary about someone NOT on antidepressants. Everytime I think of something bad I feel very bad. I am taking St Johns Wort right now, but not on any regular basis, only if I feel bad. The one I got from Germany is best, just a standard one. It kinda clears the head fog, and uplifts a bit.
The way I can tell when a antidepressant therapy is working, is that even when I think something bad, I don't feel bad. Its about having the constant emotional and mental level. Usually the only way that feels good for me is if its some kinda gentle "happy" high, that's kind of what I get from St Johns Wort. I had been using electrocranial stimulation a few times too. The first few times it gave that kinda head high, it was really like you couldnt feel bad at all (apart from some dizziness from using the machine, you should set it lower). Now its completely overcast outside, and I would feel totally bummed if it wasn't for this tea.
I think the head high only solves half the problem, the major problem for me is organising and doing things in order. I can, but I really have to force myself, I really have to prioritise, and I really need good discipline, and for me that's the hardest part. It's so much easier to be lazy, or to rest, or to have fun, over doing something that could be more important.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Sometimes...
Sometimes I feel like total shit like I haven't achieved anything at all today. Explained to the programmer everything he had to do but he misunderstood and did things really not in the way that should be.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
How to focus
The hardest thing is focusing. For me, I don't even know if I should write a blog post about focusing if I'm so easily distractable, but I might have some insights.
Noise
This means visual, mental, emotional noise. I clear my table of everything I don't want to see, that's pretty much everything. I try to wear glasses. It makes the screen clearer. I play classical music or jazz. Jazz is relaxing.
Maintenance
I want to do a stretch every half hour to make sure im not just sitting the whole time. I want to do some yoga, and do some kind of brain waking activity every 30 minutes, for example play a game. The good ol' saying, prevention is better than a cure.
Emotions
Well its obvious that happiness would be the best state to be in. Drop all the problems aside. If things change they do. Sometimes we change things ourselves. I do that often when I don't want to fool myself. And find something that's real. But mourning is part of the process. Feeling sad is mourning, just don't mourn all the time. If it feels unbearable then mourn a bit. Romantic problems usually throw me out of whack, but when I really think about it, why does any of this matter? Most of these people don't matter, I would still function without them. I just feel more calm more happy with a constant partner. I had recent trouble with a person I cannot be with, and only became a distraction to him, it was too much for him and he tuned me out.
Boredom
When someone else sets the schedule or task, I usually do it even if its boring, even grudgingly, but when I set a task, its harder first to set a task for myself, and then to make me do it. It's like being a taskmaster and servant at the same time. How to handle it?
Time framing
I'm immensely bad at this because it makes me feel trapped and stressed when I set deadlines.
What if deadlines werent dead lines but life lines? You are making progress by completing deadlines, not the opposite. You are actually bringing things to life instead of killing them.
Noise
This means visual, mental, emotional noise. I clear my table of everything I don't want to see, that's pretty much everything. I try to wear glasses. It makes the screen clearer. I play classical music or jazz. Jazz is relaxing.
Maintenance
I want to do a stretch every half hour to make sure im not just sitting the whole time. I want to do some yoga, and do some kind of brain waking activity every 30 minutes, for example play a game. The good ol' saying, prevention is better than a cure.
Emotions
Well its obvious that happiness would be the best state to be in. Drop all the problems aside. If things change they do. Sometimes we change things ourselves. I do that often when I don't want to fool myself. And find something that's real. But mourning is part of the process. Feeling sad is mourning, just don't mourn all the time. If it feels unbearable then mourn a bit. Romantic problems usually throw me out of whack, but when I really think about it, why does any of this matter? Most of these people don't matter, I would still function without them. I just feel more calm more happy with a constant partner. I had recent trouble with a person I cannot be with, and only became a distraction to him, it was too much for him and he tuned me out.
Boredom
When someone else sets the schedule or task, I usually do it even if its boring, even grudgingly, but when I set a task, its harder first to set a task for myself, and then to make me do it. It's like being a taskmaster and servant at the same time. How to handle it?
Time framing
I'm immensely bad at this because it makes me feel trapped and stressed when I set deadlines.
What if deadlines werent dead lines but life lines? You are making progress by completing deadlines, not the opposite. You are actually bringing things to life instead of killing them.
History takes a long time to erase
I think now, you know when I wake up every morning, my two ex bfs have less and less affect on me. Firstly, they are psychotic. I've had maybe now lovely two years free from them physically and stopped talking to them about a year ago, which is wonderful. I've met better people since then, and while noone I'm in a relationship with, I have better friends too.
A lot of stuff I do actually forget. It starts to be my brain actively erases alot of things and memories that can trigger stress. So that I have not so many neural connections to that anymore. Or else its going senile. Anyway theres no way to undo the damage done by parents or any other bad people in my life or anyones life, but you find better people, and kick out the bad people sooner.
A lot of stuff I do actually forget. It starts to be my brain actively erases alot of things and memories that can trigger stress. So that I have not so many neural connections to that anymore. Or else its going senile. Anyway theres no way to undo the damage done by parents or any other bad people in my life or anyones life, but you find better people, and kick out the bad people sooner.
Update
Just an update for anyone reading this. I started my antidepressant journey ages ago and it did not work! I gave up really soon on drugs and looked for an alternate way.
I'm not going to say it doesn't help, but I'm saying now without drugs, I managed to solve a lot of the things that were causing my depression: the pain from the past, and general reactions to things. I react alot by hurting.
If I didn't write or talk about it, I wouldn't be able to rationalise it. I would just be feeling it. The journal started as something to help me analyse things, but also to help you analyse things too. I guess I am not saying that drugs won't help, I'm just going to tell you about things drugs DON'T help.
Drugs don't heal your past
If you stop taking the drug, your past is still messed up. It's just that if you wait long enough, you might have a different perspective on it. Drugs may help you function and numb out some serious pain. You can think of them as a painkiller for emotional and mental wounds. These still need time to heal. Some wounds are gashing and bleeding and you need more than time to heal, thats why...
I would still go to therapy or talk to someone
Doesn't matter what the problem is, please go talk to somebody. Usually if you can afford it, a therapist who you can trust and have some kind of rapport with. Don't be afraid to change therapists, I've left quite a few before talking to some. Some of the best people I talked to were: an anonymous man on a suicide helpline that stayed with me for way over an hour, a regular nurse at the local clinic, and finally a nice university therapist. You meet all kinds of people, and at certain times even friends can offer therapeutic support but I would go to a professional first. They can handle the stress of listening to trauma. Friends can really care but alot of people do have limits.
Drugs will cause side effects
Loss of libido, effects on your menstrual cycle, liver damage, these are all part and parcel with taking antidepressants so make sure you know what you are doing. Cure the source before you go for the symptoms. Crying and being depressed are symptoms of deeper problems. I even got to the source of some things by having massage done. Some pain is stored so deep it becomes knots in your muscles and tissues, and you remember why you tensed up that place when you have it worked on.
(I actually have a friend who needs to be on the right drugs to feel okay. I don't really know too much about his disorder but maybe he mentioned it could have been bipolar. He switches drugs quite often, and quite often sounds fine, he sometimes messages me, he doesnt live here. He quite often reaches out to me suddenly because I guess he has lost alot of friends, I have only met him a few times, so it is more someone who I have been talking to online. But to repeat here, drugs are not making him well, but are keeping him functional so he can work and study maths).
So update of my current situation:
I'm not going to say it doesn't help, but I'm saying now without drugs, I managed to solve a lot of the things that were causing my depression: the pain from the past, and general reactions to things. I react alot by hurting.
If I didn't write or talk about it, I wouldn't be able to rationalise it. I would just be feeling it. The journal started as something to help me analyse things, but also to help you analyse things too. I guess I am not saying that drugs won't help, I'm just going to tell you about things drugs DON'T help.
Drugs don't heal your past
If you stop taking the drug, your past is still messed up. It's just that if you wait long enough, you might have a different perspective on it. Drugs may help you function and numb out some serious pain. You can think of them as a painkiller for emotional and mental wounds. These still need time to heal. Some wounds are gashing and bleeding and you need more than time to heal, thats why...
I would still go to therapy or talk to someone
Doesn't matter what the problem is, please go talk to somebody. Usually if you can afford it, a therapist who you can trust and have some kind of rapport with. Don't be afraid to change therapists, I've left quite a few before talking to some. Some of the best people I talked to were: an anonymous man on a suicide helpline that stayed with me for way over an hour, a regular nurse at the local clinic, and finally a nice university therapist. You meet all kinds of people, and at certain times even friends can offer therapeutic support but I would go to a professional first. They can handle the stress of listening to trauma. Friends can really care but alot of people do have limits.
Drugs will cause side effects
Loss of libido, effects on your menstrual cycle, liver damage, these are all part and parcel with taking antidepressants so make sure you know what you are doing. Cure the source before you go for the symptoms. Crying and being depressed are symptoms of deeper problems. I even got to the source of some things by having massage done. Some pain is stored so deep it becomes knots in your muscles and tissues, and you remember why you tensed up that place when you have it worked on.
(I actually have a friend who needs to be on the right drugs to feel okay. I don't really know too much about his disorder but maybe he mentioned it could have been bipolar. He switches drugs quite often, and quite often sounds fine, he sometimes messages me, he doesnt live here. He quite often reaches out to me suddenly because I guess he has lost alot of friends, I have only met him a few times, so it is more someone who I have been talking to online. But to repeat here, drugs are not making him well, but are keeping him functional so he can work and study maths).
So update of my current situation:
- House is still a mess. I mean mess as in symptomatic of those hoarder people except without as much hoarding. i dont hoard many things i just dont put my things away in the right places. I've had that problem since about 11 when i had an incidence of sexual innocence violated by my own parent. That one still brings tears. I even had on some forums for sexual abuse that some people would say hey it wasnt rape, just touching your ass is that sexual abuse? or my own brother said that. For me it is definitely a violation, a violation of trust, a violation of boundaries between a parent and a child. Like a shattering of dreams. Your parent shouldnt be sexually attracted to you, shouldn't pinch your ass to see how firm it is. It's horrible isn't it? Isn't it horrible?
- I've been studying and working, I manage. Sometimes when working, especially because its independent work, it's quite hard to concentrate. But i dont need drugs to supercharge me, I think i need love and care to fix me to a state where I can concentrate better.I think everyone slacks sometimes though
- I need a lot of affection. This was draining on relationships, ive been single for a while and it hasnt been that bad. i date people occasionally and even fall in love with people, but no relationship yet. Maybe its for the better or not. If they are suportive its fine, if not we would split up anyway. I guess i learnt not to care about it so much
- I have fulfilling hobbies and dreams. I'm still being an artist and making music so I'm happy about that. I'm happy and grateful for the nice people I do meet.
- I looked like my previous update and wow. As long as I love someone or have some love in my heart for someone, it takes most of the stress away. I'm so happy I have someone like that. Actually I have two people who care about me very much. Very much. We are close, and I feel happy and relieved. I wanna do kind things for them and cherish that.
- I try my best. I think that's all you can do in life. Try your best, don't worry too much, or don't really worry. Try to talk it out with someone if you are worried. Be happy, and regardless that the past doesn't disappear, try to live beyond it.
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