I get tired of things so quickly

I'm almost 30.  I lose the thrill of things quickly, and sometimes I feel very, very alone.  I fill my time with social activities and it makes me feel better, just to be alongside some people, but I'm running away from things. Maybe I'm just not happy enough with myself or with my life, I look to improve it.

I have concentration disorder, so I'm trying high levels of polypenols from tea and supplements, other things like Virastop.  The antivirals help for pain at least

I easily get lost between the stuff i need to do but its more about just doing it

Supplement time

Don't know what exactly I combined, but somthing like a lot of antioxidants and then Virastop seemed to give me much more energy. and St johns wort oil

Negative feelings and difficulty concentrating

This is better named as a diary about someone NOT on antidepressants.  Everytime I think of something bad I feel very bad.  I am taking St Johns Wort right now, but not on any regular basis, only if I feel bad. The one I got from Germany is best, just a standard one.  It kinda clears the head fog, and uplifts a bit.

The way I can tell when a antidepressant therapy is working, is that even when I think something bad, I don't feel bad.  Its about having the constant emotional and mental level.  Usually the only way that feels good for me is if its some kinda gentle "happy" high, that's kind of what I get from St Johns Wort.  I had been using electrocranial stimulation a few times too.  The first few times it gave that kinda head high, it was really like you couldnt feel bad at all (apart from some dizziness from using the machine, you should set it lower).  Now its completely overcast outside, and I would feel totally bummed if it wasn't for this tea.

I think the head high only solves half the problem, the major problem for me is organising and doing things in order.  I can, but I really have to force myself, I really have to prioritise, and I really need good discipline, and for me that's the hardest part.  It's so much easier to be lazy, or to rest, or to have fun, over doing something that could be more important.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like total shit like I haven't achieved anything at all today.  Explained to the programmer everything he had to do but he misunderstood and did things really not in the way that should be.

How to focus

The hardest thing is focusing.  For me, I don't even know if I should write a blog post about focusing if I'm so easily distractable, but I might have some insights.

Noise
This means visual, mental, emotional noise.  I clear my table of everything I don't want to see, that's pretty much everything.  I try to wear glasses. It makes the screen clearer.  I play classical music or jazz.  Jazz is relaxing.


Maintenance
I want to do a stretch every half hour to make sure im not just sitting the whole time.  I want to do some yoga, and do some kind of brain waking activity every 30 minutes, for example play a game.  The good ol' saying, prevention is better than a cure.

Emotions
Well its obvious that happiness would be the best state to be in.  Drop all the problems aside.  If things change they do.  Sometimes we change things ourselves.  I do that often when I don't want to fool myself.  And find something that's real.  But mourning is part of the process.  Feeling sad is mourning, just don't mourn all the time.  If it feels unbearable then mourn a bit.  Romantic problems usually throw me out of whack, but when I really think about it, why does any of this matter?  Most of these people don't matter,  I would still function without them.  I just feel more calm more happy with a constant partner.  I had recent trouble with a person I cannot be with, and only became a distraction to him, it was too much for him and he tuned me out. 

Boredom
When someone else sets the schedule or task, I usually do it even if its boring, even grudgingly, but when I set a task, its harder first to set a task for myself, and then to make me do it.  It's like being a taskmaster and servant at the same time.  How to handle it? 

Time framing
I'm immensely bad at this because it makes me feel trapped and stressed when I set deadlines.
What if deadlines werent dead lines but life lines?  You are making progress by completing deadlines, not the opposite.  You are actually bringing things to life instead of killing them.

 

History takes a long time to erase

I think now, you know when I wake up every morning, my two ex bfs have less and less affect on me.  Firstly, they are psychotic.  I've had maybe now lovely two years free from them physically and stopped talking to them about a year ago, which is wonderful.  I've met better people since then, and while noone I'm in a relationship with, I have better friends too.

A lot of stuff I do actually forget.  It starts to be my brain actively erases alot of things and memories that can trigger stress.  So that I have not so many neural connections to that anymore. Or else its going senile.  Anyway theres no way to undo the damage done by parents or any other bad people in my life or anyones life, but you find better people, and kick out the bad people sooner.

Update

Just an update for anyone reading this.  I started my antidepressant journey ages ago and it did not work! I gave up really soon on drugs and looked for an alternate way.

I'm not going to say it doesn't help, but I'm saying now without drugs, I managed to solve a lot of the things that were causing my depression: the pain from the past, and general reactions to things.  I react alot by hurting.

If I didn't write or talk about it, I wouldn't be able to rationalise it.  I would just be feeling it.  The journal started as something to help me analyse things, but also to help you analyse things too.  I guess I am not saying that drugs won't help, I'm just going to tell you about things drugs DON'T help.

Drugs don't heal your past
If you stop taking the drug, your past is still messed up.  It's just that if you wait long enough, you might have a different perspective on it.  Drugs may help you function and numb out some serious pain.  You can think of them as a painkiller for emotional and mental wounds.  These still need time to heal.  Some wounds are gashing and bleeding and you need more than time to heal, thats why...

I would still go to therapy or talk to someone
Doesn't matter what the problem is, please go talk to somebody.  Usually if you can afford it, a therapist who you can trust and have some kind of rapport with.  Don't be afraid to change therapists, I've left quite a few before talking to some.  Some of the best people I talked to were: an anonymous man on a suicide helpline that stayed with me for way over an hour, a regular nurse at the local clinic, and finally a nice university therapist.  You meet all kinds of people, and at certain times even friends can offer therapeutic support but I would go to a professional first.  They can handle the stress of listening to trauma.  Friends can really care but alot of people do have limits.

Drugs will cause side effects
Loss of libido, effects on your menstrual cycle, liver damage, these are all part and parcel with taking antidepressants so make sure you know what you are doing.  Cure the source before you go for the symptoms.  Crying and being depressed are symptoms of deeper problems.  I even got to the source of some things by having massage done.  Some pain is stored so deep it becomes knots in your muscles and tissues, and you remember why you tensed up that place when you have it worked on.

(I actually have a friend who needs to be on the right drugs to feel okay.  I don't really know too much about his disorder but maybe he mentioned it could have been bipolar.  He switches drugs quite often, and quite often sounds fine, he sometimes messages me, he doesnt live here.  He quite often reaches out to me suddenly because I guess he has lost alot of friends, I have only met him a few times, so it is more someone who I have been talking to online.  But to repeat here, drugs are not making him well, but are keeping him functional so he can work and study maths).

So update of my current situation:

• House is still a mess. I mean mess as in symptomatic of those hoarder people except without as much hoarding.  i dont hoard many things i just dont put my things away in the right places.  I've had that problem since about 11 when i had an incidence of sexual innocence violated by my own parent.  That one still brings tears.  I even had on some forums for sexual abuse that some people would say hey it wasnt rape, just touching your ass is that sexual abuse? or my own brother said that.  For me it is definitely a violation, a violation of trust, a violation of boundaries between a parent and a child.  Like a shattering of dreams.  Your parent shouldnt be sexually attracted to you, shouldn't pinch your ass to see how firm it is.  It's horrible isn't it?  Isn't it horrible?
• I've been studying and working, I manage.  Sometimes when working, especially because its independent work, it's quite hard to concentrate.  But i dont need drugs to supercharge me, I think i need love and care to fix me to a state where I can concentrate better.I think everyone slacks sometimes though
• I need a lot of affection.  This was draining on relationships, ive been single for a while and it hasnt been that bad. i date people occasionally and even fall in love with people, but no relationship yet.  Maybe its for the better or not.  If they are suportive its fine, if not we would split up anyway.  I guess i learnt not to care about it so much
•  I have fulfilling hobbies and dreams.  I'm still being an artist and making music so I'm happy about that.  I'm happy and grateful for the nice people I do meet. 
• I looked like my previous update and wow.  As long as I love someone or have some love in my heart for someone, it takes most of the stress away.  I'm so happy I have someone like that.  Actually I have two people who care about me very much.  Very much.  We are close, and I feel happy and relieved. I wanna do kind things for them and cherish that.
• I try my best.  I think that's all you can do in life.  Try your best, don't worry too much, or don't really worry.  Try to talk it out with someone if you are worried.  Be happy, and regardless that the past doesn't disappear, try to live beyond it.

Can't believe it, blink and its been four years!

Notable achievements in 4 years

• Got rid of two ex bfs (abusive, crazy etc)
• Started to live on my own
• Physically fitter
• Got rid of acne that came from bad diet and stress
• Learnt a new language (almost) 
• Made some more art
• Performed with three bands (a few times), i guess technically four.  Maybe five.
• Been in love maybe 4 times.

Whats still here:

•  Regular phrase in my head "Fuck this shit" when hit with something very tiresome
• Room is still regularly messy
• Still feel tired most days (from missing sleep)

You are not mentally "ill"

There is no such thing as mentally optimal.  Everyone is far from perfect.  Even so called normal people suffer neurosis, or are cruel to others, or are irrational, or are pathological liars.  They don't get labelled with a mental illness because they don't submit themself for any diagnosis.  They have such huge egos they would not accept that they are anything other than mentally healthy, even if their morals or rationality is quite low.

I start to hear excuses sometimes for why I am the way I am.  And I start saying to myself that I am mentally ill, but actually I'm not.  There are only two options: Either I'm physically ill, meaning I have brain damage or something that physically stops me from thinking properly, or I am not.  I think most people have something in their brain that is stopping them from thinking properly, whether that is lack of development or damage from heavy metals or chemicals or trauma, so most people are on the same boat, even the smarter seeming people.

The less I excuse myself, the more things I do.  My room isn't messy because I'm mentally ill.  My room is messy because I'm tired and lazy.  It looks daunting.  I'm not mentally ill at all.  The only difference is some people would see this and feel ill and tidy it right away, whereas I procastinate to do other things.  But it is also now making me tired seeing all these things, I will put them away.

I think the takeaway message is that with enough time, you will see so called non-depressed "normal" people are just as "ill" or crazy as people willing to admit their life or behaviours are not perfect.  The people who find themselves labelling themselves depressed or seeking help from councelling or doctors are just the people honest with their feelings.  There are other venues too, to just talk about it, or blog about it.  When I see a councellor, the most beneficial part is her listen, actually its not much about advice or what to do.  So her rationality isn't any better than mine, she just offers support and some perspective.  Actually I just like talking to her, so I don't have any therapy regularly and still manage in my life.  And other people think I'm fine.  So I just realised this morning so what if my room is a mess, I'm fine, I just haven't tidied it up!

We compare ourselves to others too much.  Noone is superman or superwoman.  They might look perfect on the outside, but there are probably things happening under the surface we can't know.

The Black Dog

For me, depression is partially disappointment and perceptived abandonment.  Usually I become depressed when something is fundamentally wrong, like when I realise relationships were not as close as I thought, when someone does not love me or care about me as much as I thought they did.  People act on instances and situations, so one instance of being nice, or two or three, doesn't mean they are a close friend.  They just want to be nice, or they want to be nice in the situation.  I think of situations as building up to a friendship, but for a lot of people, most people are just acquaintances.  They have closer friends, who I'm not a part of.  If I was, they would say so.

Maybe the worse situations were when I trusted someone enough to sleep with them, but they could turn around and just ignore me.  These are friends I knew for more than a year.  I mean they kinda work me up, and turn around and can treat me like I don't exist.

And once you have experienced that, you don't know who to trust, or you trust nobody.  Then the main thing why you feel sad is that there is a total paradigm shift.  You used to be loving and very open, but now you are only disappointed and sad and hurt by most of the people who you come to know, who you were once close to.  Parents, siblings, friends, lovers.  It's really the bigger realisation that really hurts and not the individual case.  Because when you string it together, and look at who you trusted who turned on you, it becomes basically anybody.  Now anytime someone does someone nice for you, cuddles you or is intimate with you, you have it in the back of your mind it could mean nothing at all to them.