Oh god

Well, happily, somehow I’m getting rid of my pinworm infection.  Was that why I had been depressed, or was this recent?

Either way its really gross to see tho.

Thoughts

I realised I’m not actually depressed (not at the moment anyway), since getting all this rest and eating very restrictively.

It’s more or less that I get plagued by thoughts, thoughts from the past, stuff that has happened.

But the more and more I look at it, I’ve kept that stuff really close, whereas the people involved have already moved on and forgotten it already, and changed.  So I’m actually free now, or supposed to.  I just have to mourn away the pain and the old times.  I still feel nostalgia for some good times though.  It’s hard to totally let go of the past, but its refreshing to see I’m changing.  My skin looks better, less stress, more vitamins and anti-oxidants, more rest :)

Day X: Not on meds, liver detox :o

Well, after 3 days of intense spinal pain and general lower back pain, I decided to stop all meds, including both the antidepressant, and the paracetemol.  So yesterday I was in quite a lot of numbing pain.  Went out to lunch with a friend and survived, but didn’t have much appetite.  Came home, hardly ate anything more for dinner.  Yet, today I woke up feeling alot better.  It was actually in the morning that I felt all my back pain disappear, I was really surprised.  But I got it back again after I ate some lunch, just some random stuff, some watermelon, some spinach, a piece of chicken.  That was it.

Yet i still feel alot better. Mind is clear, less backpain.

Been eating alot of Nori too (roasted seaweed), seems to help for some reason when I have backpain.  It has a lot of iron anyway.

Naproxen kidney damage :(?

Might help me sleep but NSAIDs can cause liver damage.  I still use it for my period pain tho, only thing that works really.  But my back is starting to hurt and its not doing anything about it, its like hurting more since i started taking antidepressant and that .

Tiredness

Don’t know if I haven’t slept long enough (it’s probable), but my eyes felt a bit itchy and dry for some reason, and im pretty tired, either:

The antidepressant makes me tired

or im not getting enough sleep.  Might have to try take it in the night then..

And it hits

After having a laugh off with a few posts from the Engrish blogs (there’s a few of them), I can actually feel that serotonin circulating round now. yipppppee. my head feels a-ok now. and naproxen kicked in… sweet sweet naproxen.

Day 4: Saying the difficult stuff instead of avoiding it

Took 5mg again.

Having woken up in mental pain, around 7am, at first I was thinking I should up my dosage but really I just left it as it is to be consistent and to still feel alright.

Having told my bf last night that I needed stuff to be consistent, and that he said ‘Then I’m probably not the right one for you’, don’t know if he was being funny, but that' was a really crappy thing to say, and I’m ready to stop being his gf and acting like that and just be friends with him, because obviously I can’t handle it anymore.  Have been trying to break up with him or feeling like it every 3 days or so at the start.  Lately it was a little better, but never reaching the kind of standards I want in a bf, like very basic things, like constantly actually being my bf.  I don’t think he’s capable because he’s incapacitated by his own depression or problems.

Ready to keel over in pain, the backpain is reall ybad. i should take naproxen at night, it helps me sleep.  Half a parecetemol didn’t really work :( (now i wonder if half of that works for anything at all.

What I got out of the book I was reading

Didn’t actually read the whole thing, it wasn’t too scientific, and somehow today when I look at it, alot of it looks like fluff or at least the kind of thing that doesn’t help me much.  But one trust is ofcourse that depression is based on kinda feelings or hurt that you hold inside.  I’ve spent several years trying to release it, it takes a lot of time.  It takes a lot of time and trust to be honest, and to say it to people, and to find the right people to say it to, people who care about you, and can listen and make you feel listened to.

It’s also about getting rid of the guilt and shame for the things you could not avoid in life.  And the bitterness and blame.

…and suddenly its all well again

I still feel tired, but my mood is fine again, dunno how.  I guess I just got a bit of serotonin from thinking at least some nice things, and weeee, they get blocked from uptake, and I feel a bit better.

 

I mean, I like the way the light is in my room, its calming.  And I guess something about being at home makes me feel safe now.

I’m also drinking some hot choco I made, which turns out to be very nice.   I got a new pack of choco while on holiday, it turned out to  be a good move, it was very good choco!

I guess one of the things that’s happy about being home now is that there’s no expectations.  I remember when I was on a higher dose of citalopram, then I didn’t even know what I should be doing.  But with this, it just kinda feels like, I know the kind of stuff I can do, but there’s no pressure at least.

 

shoulders and back still hurts tho.  I only really take painkillers at night if it helps me sleep cos of my back, or well if i have a bad period.

Depression rears its ugly head

Well, I was out on the beach with my friend and his friend today, but have been so tired the whole day.  I was wondering if it’s an oncoming period, my cycle was a bit off at one point, like last month.  

Anyway, I felt pretty shit on the way home, I was walking to my building, and then I thought, “same fucking grey building with the same skyline, how long am I going to see this for?”

Bf was feeling shit too, so didn’t see him today, and then I also thought, well I’m so tired now, I don’t think I want to go there anyway.  Then I’m thinking “I’m so tired, if I sleep now, how am I going to sleep tonight?”

 

Getting back into my apartment, I had a brief moment of happiness and peace when I saw the way the sun shone on the window sill, and it looked very idyllic and calm.  And I thought, its wonderful to be home.

Already on the way back I was just thinking about staying at home the whole week now that I have all my groceries.  It was actually one of the recommendations in the books I was reading, to just let got and get away from everything, I think probably “How to beat depression and reclaim your life”.

Day 3

Woke up at 2pm.  I slept at, again, sometime in the morning after playing Jewel Quest Solitaire and then deciding, yeah I do need some pain medication still cos my spine was killing me.

So then after that I slept quite well.

But I wake up feeling pretty shitty.  Not extremely, but enough to think, “Gee, another day, another meaningless day”, or something like that.  Yesterday night I was in a lot of pain, I guess that’s what made me more depressed.

So I was debating whether to take 10mg instead, but I’ll try to keep it consistent and take 5mg for now.  I go talk to the nurse next week, so I can still discuss how I feel.

I feel like I’m just trying to escape myself all the time, like dealing with things.  It’s a sunny day, I want to go out to see a friend, but everything feels so pointless, as if its just another distraction.

It’s weird that I don’t even see socialising as having a point anymore, I know I (humans) need that.

Weird sleep times

Kinda have a bad sleep cycle tho, i ended up taking a nap now for about an hour and its just 9pm

Mood regulation

I think the thing with anti-depressants is that it gets rid of your highs and lows.  That feels fine to me, so far.  I mean it hasn’t affected me much in anyway except for the tiredness yesterday, probably more due to lack of sleep.

I can do regular tasks at home without feeling dread or doom because I’m already balanced in my head.  It sure makes a difference.

Sweet!

I finally won a poker tourny! Just a small one with 9 players, but good token for the final.

This time I didn’t have much beating up to do, I think the players were generally weaker than me, and they were a bit weird.

And the good thing about being on a anti-depressant is, you don’t have this low or high mood, its like I won, but I don’t hit the ceiling in ecstasy, its more like a feel good kinda feeling, like “Cool, I won”

Day 2: Tired, Ok, introspective

Well, I didn’t sleep much.  Or not in the night hours anyway.  Kinda got a few hours till 2am, stayed up until 5am or 6am cos I couldn’t get back to sleep.  Didn’t bother checking the time, but it was light outside.  Actually I remember only getting to sleep at 8am.  I made myself some tea and was going to drink it.  I did some yoga before, like about 1 min, and then went back to lay on the bed.  So basically I fell asleep.  Woke up at 1pm, so I guess I feel mentally refreshed but physically really tired.

took the pill at 6am, not sure if it help me sleep or not, but I sure slept after, so I guess its ok.  Was I dreaming anything?  Can’t really remember.  The best restful sleep I have is usually when I can’t remember what I was dreaming.  Also could have helped me sleep that I ate some cookies.

Had thought of going to IKEA, but then thought how much stress that in-store music would cause me.  And also that it’s very time consuming.  I just want to return some stuff.  Was a bit embarrassed to ask my friend to drive me there so I can return some stuff but I kind of want a new table also, or something with a draw with a filing cabinet inside, hopefully something I can lock.

 

It’s holidays now, and I can choose to relax or not.  Today I kind of feel like I’m finally making sense, and acting on something sensible, like not going to IKEA to stress myself out over returning maybe 20 bucks or so worth of items. 

Going to play a small poker tourney, wonder if this helps my stability? I usually feel kinda bad when I lose, even in a free tournament.  It’s like I would beat myself up over stuff, “i played bad, I did it wrong”, this voice kinda lectures me, but its more like whining.  But when I play online, sometimes I just close the damn window when I’m peeved, so I forget to even think about the whole hand.

Waking up in the mid of the night

I think I slept for 6hours and woke up.  I slept early, like at 10pm.  It was just because I was lying on the bed and then felt really tired.  But I mean, if I wake up at 2am i need to get back to sleep.

 

Actually feel about as shitty as without the antidepressant, just that I noticed my head felt numbed, and some of the pain in my back is number. Arms and legs more numb than usual, kinda like if I take a naproxen or something, this is usually how it feels.

Worst thing about depression

Besides being de-motivated and tired, the worst thing about depression is, there’s always this extra stuff to do.  Like you have to work through your issues with a therapist, or undo all the damage or twisted emotions you’ve lived with in the past, and at the same time trying to live and do normal chores and move forward with your life.  It’s that “everything at once” feeling, its so overwhelming.  Sometimes I don’t know where to start, I mean, do I clean the house because it looks like a mess, or work on my issues and try to relax because I need that also?

And then I have to take care of my health, if I neglect that and pig out, I would feel guilty.

I’m pretty skinny it’s just that the perfectionist comes out.  I want to eat right, I have to check the contents of food.  I have to check the prices of things.  I’m trying to work out of this saving money crazy mentality because my mother always did that.  But saving money was also some kinda security for me, because I finally did save up enough money to move away from the house, so I got kinda attached to doing it.  It’s even enjoyable sometimes, kind of like people doing Sudoku.  It’s just that familiar feeling, you know you work out stuff, it’s about solving stuff.  Gives me a sense of pride in it.  It’s kind of like playing that Jewel Quest Solitaire.

So I think I can hang on to that until I earn big bucks, but I try to be efficient and not linger too much comparing prices, because sometimes that’s also very tiring.

 

Secondly, or really mainly, it’s also the lack of motivation, and the disorganised chaos.

I feel like my life is some moving “To-do list” at the moment, just never getting anywhere, and just getting past the usual hurdles of life.  It gets really boring like that.  It’s hard for anything to motivate me, like money, or success. I only seem motivated when something inspires me, but the lack of energy means I don’t seem to be moving towards my goals, only jumping over hurdles that come my way.

My Parents

Every time I get a letter from my mom, I always have to decide when to open it.  Because I never know what’s going to be in there.  It acts like a catharsis for her or something, she puts in all this stuff that has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our relationship, all about other people, all about the misfortunes of life, regret.

Except they never mention they did anything wrong.  They never mentioned gambling was wrong.  They never mentioned they failed in any way except where they moved.  My mom said that my dad lost a part of his memory when our house’s roof caught on fire (I was away at the time).  It wasn’t a big fire.  The technician checking the roof acidentally lit it, and then it was put out quickly, I mean maybe it was just burnt cos I think the roof was still there.  Anyway, I think he lost a part of his memory cos prob he’s getting senile. 

I think my mom hasn’t realised that time passes by quickly, or she does, but doesn’t know how to catch up.  All she ever did was ignore everything.  Now they moved to a part of town where they have no friends, somehow its just the two of them there, hope they are not going nuts.

I’m still kind of disturbed about going to see them. On one hand, they are quite old now, so if I’m gonna see my parents, I should do it sometime soon, I’m planning to next year.  On the other hand, I can’t even get past the phobia of my dad, even though he’s really old now and probably isn’t even much of the same person, or at least that anger has died since he had heart problems.

But all this just equals “very sad” for me, because when I wrote to my mom about the pain I went through, she just gives excuses like “noone is perfect”, or “I’ve passed out before from worry, but I didn’t want to tell you any negative things.”  I’m between being very bitter that none of my feelings or concerns are ever answered for, and just sorry that they are so old and that even my parents might not be here to ever give me the apology or acknowledgement that I hoped for.  My mom once said she was sorry I felt so bad.  But sorry I felt bad, and not for anything she did.

Note: Ah, my mom said in the letter that my dad does regret gambling though, that’s good I guess.

It’s just overwhelming problems like parents getting old, can’t see them often because I am overseas, possible bankruptcy, sometimes some health concerns.  I used to actually pass out in pain, or close to fainting, I would have to lie down on the floor because I would just start seeing spots, and everything would go white/yellow/faint.  Usually it would be when I had my period, like a lack of blood.  But it was from that chronic emotional pain.  My body is sometimes quite scared to see my parents. In a way, my mom also abused me too.  She used me to keep her secrets, and to tell all the bad things to, like a way to unload the stress.  Then the rest of the time she would just be acting in front of other people.  I felt so much guilt and stress.  Like keeping secrets for them was like lying, it was lying, something I didn’t want to do.  Secondly, I also wished so much to tell someone, and was denied the power to express myself to other people, to speak.  I wrote alot.  I had diaries, I theorised about life, and what it meant.  I went on journeys by myself.  It was a very lonely life, I was become a quite self-efficient but lonely person.  I was used to things being like, if I told something, it was bad.  That was the rule of the house.  Not allowed to have an opinion.  My dad made sure he shoved an opinion into everyone’s mouth, which was his opinion.  So I just learned to keep silent.  Even if he asked something most of the time I just could not talk to him anymore.

Side-effects

Constant tiredness: check.

Dry mouth: check.

 

Not that bad, yet not that good either, I’m just yawning all the time.  I mean I feel so tired, body-wise, it’s hard to do much.  Maybe my liver doesn’t like metabolising this stuff.

 

I usually still think the same stuff when I’m on meds, like if I’m on a bus or waiting long for a bus, or the bus isn’t coming, I get the same defeating thoughts.  But i remember I think I was on citalopram at a higher dose, forgot what it was, but then I got those brain zaps, and plus I could hardly think properly.  Like I was feeling fine cos I couldn’t think anything negative but I don’t know why.  Now on this very low dose, it just kinda feels like I think the same stuff but i dont react as much.  Like my brain isn’t tired or in pain, but my body kind of is.

Side-effects

Constant tiredness: check.

Dry mouth: check.

 

Not that bad, yet not that good either, I’m just yawning all the time.  I mean I feel so tired, body-wise, it’s hard to do much.  Maybe my liver doesn’t like metabolising this stuff.

 

I usually still think the same stuff when I’m on meds, like if I’m on a bus or waiting long for a bus, or the bus isn’t coming, I get the same defeating thoughts.  But i remember I think I was on citalopram at a higher dose, forgot what it was, but then I got those brain zaps, and plus I could hardly think properly.  Like I was feeling fine cos I couldn’t think anything negative but I don’t know why.  Now on this very low dose, it just kinda feels like I think the same stuff but i dont react as much.  Like my brain isn’t tired or in pain, but my body kind of is.

History 2

Rewind a couple of years back, I was chronically stressed out.

My partner was always verbally insulting me or complaining about something, like if I left a plate out on the kitchen bench.  The kind of things that are not a big deal to me were a big deal to him.  He was insanely angry once when he went on holiday and I just left his mail on his desk.  He didn’t ask for any specific order, so I just left it over his desk.  He shouted out why they weren’t in ORDER, as in chronologically, and he stormed out and said something about if its not in order when he gets back that something would happen.  Well, I just piled it neatly together, not in chronological order ofcourse, can’t be bothered with that, and I’m not his secretary.  At that time we were already split up, just sharing the same house.

 

There was so much crap and trauma then, including times when he threw a postal package into my room (there were books inside, so its about maybe 6-8 kilo), lucky it didn’t hit me.  But it was the fits of rage that got me.  And he was very physical about it, pushed me out of his room, threw metal objects at the ground, punched the wooden door, which has a slight dent now.  Thinking about it now, it makes me feel kinda a little scared still, even though I have moved out.  It makes me feel scared for the little girl that I was before, like having to tolerate that abuse.  It wasn’t tolerating, it was more like surviving.  And feeling scared everyday is maybe the worse feeling. 

It’s the unpredictability.   You never know whether they are going to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The abuser always says it is your fault.  That you cause their anger.  You live with sadness, fear, guilt, feelings that you’re going crazy, because none of the stuff they say makes any logical sense, its just that you accept it because you’re stuck there.  I felt like all I had to do was move away, it always felt like that.  Been trying to move out of my house since 16 or so.  I mean this is the first time i’ve successfully moved out to live on my own, and I’m 20 something now.

Just the sheer chaos of everything.  Once you get out of the situation, you’re still depressed.  Just more stress, because now its a new situation.   I went on student exchange so I could get away from my parents and live alone, but I was depressed nearly all the days.  Even though the other students were friendly, I never felt a sense of belonging.  I was in my room most of the time, I dropped some of my classes.  I had not much money and ate pasta & sauce most of the time.  I travelled, it was part of my escapism.  I was vegetarian, and probably pretty malnourished eating just pasta.  Was pretty pale, and incredibly depressed.

The same partner who later was living with me and throwing stuff in our apartment, was the same guy who I had been seeing at this time.  And I think it was mostly the misery that drove me to be with someone who I knew had hints of some issues and problems that he was maltreating me, or that he care about me as much as he did himself.  I mean, even now, I think most people I meet, I haven’t really seen them genuinely care about me, or very few.  Maybe my closest friends.  More than himself… I guess that’s my new definition for the perfect partner.

Feeling a bit better

Somehow, without taking a nap, I feel more energised.

I sipped some rosehip tea.  Started reading the chapters that seemed relevant to me,  in “Nervous Breakdown” by Jenny Cozens, which was quite a few, apart from ageing!  Felt like most of the conditions actually overlap, like anxiety, depression, OCDs, there’s some familiar root in a way.  Like something happened in your childhood or life that causes this reaction. 

The most touching thing was, this is a library book, and someone had underlined the sentences that touched them.  I guess this person was going through a divorce or split with her/his partner.  I felt like these sentences she underlined reassured her that it was ok, and empowered her/him to feel that someone else felt that too.  I felt like she/he was getting some kind of resolve.  When I read the paragraph on someone’s split from their husband, that her husband had cheated on her and declared it, and went with the other woman, the reactions of the woman reminded me of how I felt, when my bf had basically cheating on me, that you know, sheer rage, sadness, anger, and the feeling that you wanted to kill him.  That was normal apparently :).  It just made me kinda happy inside to see that its so normal.  I think I got over it a long time ago in realising that I didn’t want him anyway in the long run, but its good to see that this is a healthy cycle of feeling, to go through all those emotions, including actually feeling that you love him also, in between all the sadness, anger, hate, shock. 

Backpain gets a bit better when I’m relaxed, but it still feels tired.

But I’m glad I’m enjoying the afternoon inside.

 

Note: *Took a nap and feel more refreshed now, making some dinner.

Stuff I have been doing today

Firstly, I had to look up liver toxicity, because that was one reason I didn’t want to start antidepressants in the first place.  But a little googling rested assure that, SSRIs are not very likely to cause toxicity.  I mean, I really needed that assurance, because I’m so paranoid about these things, like “health”.  The only way I worked around it was, I worked out that the more logical choice was to take SSRI over painkillers, because NSAIDs caused more liver toxicity in general (I have serious backpain).  Part of the reason why this day even occurred in where I start seriously thinking about the antidepressant path was that the unexplainable, ever present backpain (physio said it might be inflamed disc or some nerve caught there), and all the issues I haven’t dealt with, both from my teenage years and now, is really becoming overwhelming.  I wanted to see a therapist, but the doctor said they wouldn’t refer me until the options were exhausted – that means trying every antidepressant if needed.  At least I get to choose.

Yesterday, I was scanned the boxes of 1 litre fruit juices to see which one I should take.  I wanted to avoid sugar, and dismissed the ones with the ingredients of sugar, and took the “100% pineapple juice”.  But when I tasted it, it was “blech, this is all sugar!”. I had forgetten how much sugar is in fruit anyway, it was useless trying to analyse which one had sugar as an ingredient!   I don’t know if my backpain is induced from too much sugar, but I had some chronic backpain at night, as if the calcium was leeching out from my bones or what felt to be not normal backpain, since its kind of coming from the bones in my spine.  Usually, my daytime backpain is one sided, as in, its all on my left side, radiating down my whole body, especially my left leg feels a bit numb.  When I do yoga or any side bending, I can feel pain on my left side, near the lower back.

Other stuff to do today, buy some groceries, go to the library to return books (all on depression/anxiety/etc), and possibly taking a nap, since I slept at god knows when, 6am? Was playing Jewel Quest Solitaire all night.  It ended up being that I woke up pretty much feeling better (at 1pm) than I did the previous days, because I think when I stay up all night, I get so exhausted that I sleep better, maybe less dreaming, less thinking about stuff, refreshing for my brain to feel empty of much thought – but of course my body is really tired now.

 

Mood – Kinda irritable actually, the back pain is still there.

I just feel very very sleepy right now, with back tiredness, and kinda eye-watering kinda tired, which is really weird. usually my eyes dont water when im tired

I remember this was one of the symptoms of taking escitalopram, that I feel really really tired, like yawning, water-eyed kinda tired.

Day 1: 5mg of Escitalopram

So I've taken 5mg of escitalopram today, just starting again, to see how it goes.
I kinda probably needed the support when writing that previous post (don't know how fast it's metabolised), cos i felt like crying. At least I won't be breaking down.

Half way while writing the previous post, I already started feeling kind of relieved and upbeat. Maybe because I was releasing the emotions and 'secrets' I had pent up all those years. All those years of silence. But each time I think or write about it, it touches a pain so deep that the tears just start welling up. It was hidden all those years. So many friends I couldn't talk to, my parents friends, my own friends. Some of my own friends ignored me, even when I said something general like, "I'm not getting along with my parents", they just ignored the statement entirely and didn't write anything back (my best friend had moved overseas so I was writing her letters). And then she started ignoring me completely by ending contact, don't know if it was on her own accord or to do with her mom, I think her mom didn't like me, I stayed at her place for a month while visiting my best friend. Her dad liked me, and was very kind to me, in some way I got scared again, because my own dad's kindness would mean something else. I get very frightened of any older men liking me. All my bf's have been younger than me. I can't imagine even knowing people all that old, but the thought I find quite vile, because I think they must only like me because I'm younger, and it's lust.

History

I tried some antidepressants about 2 years ago, and more recently some months ago. I didn't try them very long because the side effects were bad. The first I tried, citalopram, I think it was a very high dose. Because I told him I had suicidal thoughts. But taking one made my fingers go numb in a few hours, I don't know if it affected my heart beat or circulation in some way, maybe I felt a bit arhythmic. I just stopped it after 3 days or so. Tried fluoxetin (prozac) but it didn't do anything for a few days, i probably needed to take it for longer, but didn't feel like I felt any better.

I've been depressed for quite a long time, maybe since I was 15 (first felt suicidal then). I had really been trying to avoid antidepressants, drugs, medications, doctors, because I was really paranoid about those things. It was mostly a reaction to my family doctor at the time - when I had intense nose bleeds, which would happen easily as a kid, just blowing my nose, when I was about 5-8 years old, his solution was to use some kinda metal stick to poke up my nose and try to make the vein less big. Obviously, this hurt a lot and it didn't work. So it started my general mistrust of doctors.

It was when I was 11 that my dad pinched me on the ass. I felt shocked - I was just giving him a hug, and wanted to be comforted because my mom was mad at me for something. Not really that mad, it was just the usual thing to do; I trusted my father then so I went feel comfort, and what he did really shocked me. The second I felt him pinch me, it was like something died inside my head - like an electric shock. I felt like something in my head was melting - I could see this whirlpool in my head, right at that time, kind of purple/red/bizarre coloured. And it was this sinking feeling, like I was dying or sinking into it this whirlpool inside my head. It was like everything I believed in, all my trust and faith in my parents, died. All my trust and faith in the goodness of the world, at that age. I knew what he did was bad, I was disgusted by it in my head, "How could he do that? He's my dad", that it was morally wrong.

I never ever went to hug him again. I used to go to hug my parents every night.

Even at that age, I was kind of recalling all the things he has done or said, that I re-contexted into knowing that he had some kind of sexual attraction for me, and that was really gross. I thought about whether when he picked me up and spun me around as a kid, what it meant when it started hurting my nipples but he didn't stop yet when I said "Ow, its hurting". And then, also sometimes when I had sat on his knee, innocent, and bouncing me, he had said something like "You're getting too old for this", and I said "Why?", because I didn't know what he was talking about. I trusted my parents. But that incident eroded all the trust I ever had in my parents, and eroded most of my confidence too, because I felt like I had to hide all the time. I avoided all physical contact with him, and didn't trust him, and as time went by, he got more and more angry, I think because I was ignoring him.

So he had anger issues, he easily got mad at everyone: His face would literally go red or "black", as we called it in our family. So it wasn't just at me, his anger literally exploded onto everyone, me, my mom, and my brother. But I think it was because I ignored his attention that most of the anger exploded onto me, and somehow to my mom too.

I don't know what my mom was doing, nothing really. But she was too passive. She never stood up to his anger. I don't know how their relationship works. Once I got home from school early, and wondered where my parents were so I went into their room, thinking they were just sleeping, but they were having sex under the blanket. And my mom just said, "Shut the door", but I was leaving the room anyway. All I thought about my dad was he was a sexual perv. All he cares about is sex, or that's what I thought. And my mom just took so much verbal abuse but was still with him? It was really painful to me, but I couldn't say it to either of them. I would just get shouted down by him if I said anything.


I wasn't allowed to say anything in the house, my mom would tell me not to tell any of my parents friends anything they did, like going to the casino. They were both unemployed now, I don't know how we lived. It was a very poor household, where they tried to act rich and socialise. So I don't know how many days a week, probably 2 days at least, they were at the casino, my mom would be drinking free alcohol in the club, and my dad would be gambling. I wouldn't call my mom alcoholic, but she would come home tipsy. My dad would come home either angry or kind, depending on whether he lost or won money. He always blames luck when he loses, and blames me also. "You made me lose! I was in a bad mood". He never made any sense. Increasingly, the only thing I could do was ignore him while I was living there, but secretly I was really angry at my mom too for bearing with this and submitting me to this, I didn't feel like she was involved enough as a mother to me.

My brother had already moved out because he was older than me, and he already graduated, had a job, and moved overseas. So I was just left with my parents as a teenager and they were doing a really messy job.