Therapy session #8

 Goals today:

How to deal with the dynamics with my ex

The dynamics of my need to feel loved and have someone care about me.

I don't believe in medication for health, I believe in sunshine and good friends

I often get depressed when I feel lonely.  It's joy seeking.  Medication provides mental numbness, and sometimes you need that, but it doesn't solve problems.  People seek joy because its fun, because its normal.  You have to ask yourself why normal people are so placated just doing the normal things they do, it's because they found some joy somewhere, whatever it is, whether its walking the dog, or being with their partner, or being in nature and so forth.  You just have to find your joy too, whatever it is.  Some people need bigger thrills than others.

Every day is a day of very little light

I try to concentrate on work, but the assortment of things strewn across my desk is astounding.  From water bottle cosies to cellphones and electronices to boxes of unopened chocolate, and a new bottle of unopened dessert wine.  I have the feeling if I remove this, I would be able to concentrate better, but then there is more:  The unused waterproof stereo system ipod player, a lone christmas card, a packet of macadamias, a single coin, a pot with no plant it is, all there perverting my background view.

But they should be left alone for now.

I get tired of things so quickly

I'm almost 30.  I lose the thrill of things quickly, and sometimes I feel very, very alone.  I fill my time with social activities and it makes me feel better, just to be alongside some people, but I'm running away from things. Maybe I'm just not happy enough with myself or with my life, I look to improve it.

I have concentration disorder, so I'm trying high levels of polypenols from tea and supplements, other things like Virastop.  The antivirals help for pain at least

I easily get lost between the stuff i need to do but its more about just doing it

Supplement time

Don't know what exactly I combined, but somthing like a lot of antioxidants and then Virastop seemed to give me much more energy. and St johns wort oil

Negative feelings and difficulty concentrating

This is better named as a diary about someone NOT on antidepressants.  Everytime I think of something bad I feel very bad.  I am taking St Johns Wort right now, but not on any regular basis, only if I feel bad. The one I got from Germany is best, just a standard one.  It kinda clears the head fog, and uplifts a bit.

The way I can tell when a antidepressant therapy is working, is that even when I think something bad, I don't feel bad.  Its about having the constant emotional and mental level.  Usually the only way that feels good for me is if its some kinda gentle "happy" high, that's kind of what I get from St Johns Wort.  I had been using electrocranial stimulation a few times too.  The first few times it gave that kinda head high, it was really like you couldnt feel bad at all (apart from some dizziness from using the machine, you should set it lower).  Now its completely overcast outside, and I would feel totally bummed if it wasn't for this tea.

I think the head high only solves half the problem, the major problem for me is organising and doing things in order.  I can, but I really have to force myself, I really have to prioritise, and I really need good discipline, and for me that's the hardest part.  It's so much easier to be lazy, or to rest, or to have fun, over doing something that could be more important.