The Black Dog

For me, depression is partially disappointment and perceptived abandonment.  Usually I become depressed when something is fundamentally wrong, like when I realise relationships were not as close as I thought, when someone does not love me or care about me as much as I thought they did.  People act on instances and situations, so one instance of being nice, or two or three, doesn't mean they are a close friend.  They just want to be nice, or they want to be nice in the situation.  I think of situations as building up to a friendship, but for a lot of people, most people are just acquaintances.  They have closer friends, who I'm not a part of.  If I was, they would say so.

Maybe the worse situations were when I trusted someone enough to sleep with them, but they could turn around and just ignore me.  These are friends I knew for more than a year.  I mean they kinda work me up, and turn around and can treat me like I don't exist.

And once you have experienced that, you don't know who to trust, or you trust nobody.  Then the main thing why you feel sad is that there is a total paradigm shift.  You used to be loving and very open, but now you are only disappointed and sad and hurt by most of the people who you come to know, who you were once close to.  Parents, siblings, friends, lovers.  It's really the bigger realisation that really hurts and not the individual case.  Because when you string it together, and look at who you trusted who turned on you, it becomes basically anybody.  Now anytime someone does someone nice for you, cuddles you or is intimate with you, you have it in the back of your mind it could mean nothing at all to them.