A Mess

Taking on way too much creates symptoms of depression and mental fatigue.

For some people, they remove everything from their life and then think they have nothing left, but in reality, they might be removing things because there is just too much to deal with.

You only have this much mental space, you only have this much attention, this much time to give to what you need most.

When I get really messy (physically, as in my surroundings), I don't think about it as being crazy anymore, it's just about running out of mental space.  I cannot sort all these things.  Whether I like it or not, mentally I'm running through stuff in the background, or running through stuff during the day to the point where I can deal with "stuff" anymore, and I lay my clothing on the ground because it's the easiest solution.  Sometimes it's not about strength it's just about capacity.

People who don't worry never run out of mental space.  I guess part of the problem is that to begin with, we are so occupied with our pasts and futures that it's impossible not to worry without actually concentrating on not worrying, being in a meditative state of now.

I will try.


I just want to close things, some chapters in my life.
I removed some people from my msn contacts, or from visibility (ex bfs and other people who are basically not in my life anyway).
Cleaning my desktop also.

Maybe it's also this emptiness or pointlessness, that whatever I do it comes back, like cleaning my desktop is pretty futile.