My Parents

Every time I get a letter from my mom, I always have to decide when to open it.  Because I never know what’s going to be in there.  It acts like a catharsis for her or something, she puts in all this stuff that has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our relationship, all about other people, all about the misfortunes of life, regret.

Except they never mention they did anything wrong.  They never mentioned gambling was wrong.  They never mentioned they failed in any way except where they moved.  My mom said that my dad lost a part of his memory when our house’s roof caught on fire (I was away at the time).  It wasn’t a big fire.  The technician checking the roof acidentally lit it, and then it was put out quickly, I mean maybe it was just burnt cos I think the roof was still there.  Anyway, I think he lost a part of his memory cos prob he’s getting senile. 

I think my mom hasn’t realised that time passes by quickly, or she does, but doesn’t know how to catch up.  All she ever did was ignore everything.  Now they moved to a part of town where they have no friends, somehow its just the two of them there, hope they are not going nuts.

I’m still kind of disturbed about going to see them. On one hand, they are quite old now, so if I’m gonna see my parents, I should do it sometime soon, I’m planning to next year.  On the other hand, I can’t even get past the phobia of my dad, even though he’s really old now and probably isn’t even much of the same person, or at least that anger has died since he had heart problems.

But all this just equals “very sad” for me, because when I wrote to my mom about the pain I went through, she just gives excuses like “noone is perfect”, or “I’ve passed out before from worry, but I didn’t want to tell you any negative things.”  I’m between being very bitter that none of my feelings or concerns are ever answered for, and just sorry that they are so old and that even my parents might not be here to ever give me the apology or acknowledgement that I hoped for.  My mom once said she was sorry I felt so bad.  But sorry I felt bad, and not for anything she did.

Note: Ah, my mom said in the letter that my dad does regret gambling though, that’s good I guess.

It’s just overwhelming problems like parents getting old, can’t see them often because I am overseas, possible bankruptcy, sometimes some health concerns.  I used to actually pass out in pain, or close to fainting, I would have to lie down on the floor because I would just start seeing spots, and everything would go white/yellow/faint.  Usually it would be when I had my period, like a lack of blood.  But it was from that chronic emotional pain.  My body is sometimes quite scared to see my parents. In a way, my mom also abused me too.  She used me to keep her secrets, and to tell all the bad things to, like a way to unload the stress.  Then the rest of the time she would just be acting in front of other people.  I felt so much guilt and stress.  Like keeping secrets for them was like lying, it was lying, something I didn’t want to do.  Secondly, I also wished so much to tell someone, and was denied the power to express myself to other people, to speak.  I wrote alot.  I had diaries, I theorised about life, and what it meant.  I went on journeys by myself.  It was a very lonely life, I was become a quite self-efficient but lonely person.  I was used to things being like, if I told something, it was bad.  That was the rule of the house.  Not allowed to have an opinion.  My dad made sure he shoved an opinion into everyone’s mouth, which was his opinion.  So I just learned to keep silent.  Even if he asked something most of the time I just could not talk to him anymore.