History

I tried some antidepressants about 2 years ago, and more recently some months ago. I didn't try them very long because the side effects were bad. The first I tried, citalopram, I think it was a very high dose. Because I told him I had suicidal thoughts. But taking one made my fingers go numb in a few hours, I don't know if it affected my heart beat or circulation in some way, maybe I felt a bit arhythmic. I just stopped it after 3 days or so. Tried fluoxetin (prozac) but it didn't do anything for a few days, i probably needed to take it for longer, but didn't feel like I felt any better.

I've been depressed for quite a long time, maybe since I was 15 (first felt suicidal then). I had really been trying to avoid antidepressants, drugs, medications, doctors, because I was really paranoid about those things. It was mostly a reaction to my family doctor at the time - when I had intense nose bleeds, which would happen easily as a kid, just blowing my nose, when I was about 5-8 years old, his solution was to use some kinda metal stick to poke up my nose and try to make the vein less big. Obviously, this hurt a lot and it didn't work. So it started my general mistrust of doctors.

It was when I was 11 that my dad pinched me on the ass. I felt shocked - I was just giving him a hug, and wanted to be comforted because my mom was mad at me for something. Not really that mad, it was just the usual thing to do; I trusted my father then so I went feel comfort, and what he did really shocked me. The second I felt him pinch me, it was like something died inside my head - like an electric shock. I felt like something in my head was melting - I could see this whirlpool in my head, right at that time, kind of purple/red/bizarre coloured. And it was this sinking feeling, like I was dying or sinking into it this whirlpool inside my head. It was like everything I believed in, all my trust and faith in my parents, died. All my trust and faith in the goodness of the world, at that age. I knew what he did was bad, I was disgusted by it in my head, "How could he do that? He's my dad", that it was morally wrong.

I never ever went to hug him again. I used to go to hug my parents every night.

Even at that age, I was kind of recalling all the things he has done or said, that I re-contexted into knowing that he had some kind of sexual attraction for me, and that was really gross. I thought about whether when he picked me up and spun me around as a kid, what it meant when it started hurting my nipples but he didn't stop yet when I said "Ow, its hurting". And then, also sometimes when I had sat on his knee, innocent, and bouncing me, he had said something like "You're getting too old for this", and I said "Why?", because I didn't know what he was talking about. I trusted my parents. But that incident eroded all the trust I ever had in my parents, and eroded most of my confidence too, because I felt like I had to hide all the time. I avoided all physical contact with him, and didn't trust him, and as time went by, he got more and more angry, I think because I was ignoring him.

So he had anger issues, he easily got mad at everyone: His face would literally go red or "black", as we called it in our family. So it wasn't just at me, his anger literally exploded onto everyone, me, my mom, and my brother. But I think it was because I ignored his attention that most of the anger exploded onto me, and somehow to my mom too.

I don't know what my mom was doing, nothing really. But she was too passive. She never stood up to his anger. I don't know how their relationship works. Once I got home from school early, and wondered where my parents were so I went into their room, thinking they were just sleeping, but they were having sex under the blanket. And my mom just said, "Shut the door", but I was leaving the room anyway. All I thought about my dad was he was a sexual perv. All he cares about is sex, or that's what I thought. And my mom just took so much verbal abuse but was still with him? It was really painful to me, but I couldn't say it to either of them. I would just get shouted down by him if I said anything.


I wasn't allowed to say anything in the house, my mom would tell me not to tell any of my parents friends anything they did, like going to the casino. They were both unemployed now, I don't know how we lived. It was a very poor household, where they tried to act rich and socialise. So I don't know how many days a week, probably 2 days at least, they were at the casino, my mom would be drinking free alcohol in the club, and my dad would be gambling. I wouldn't call my mom alcoholic, but she would come home tipsy. My dad would come home either angry or kind, depending on whether he lost or won money. He always blames luck when he loses, and blames me also. "You made me lose! I was in a bad mood". He never made any sense. Increasingly, the only thing I could do was ignore him while I was living there, but secretly I was really angry at my mom too for bearing with this and submitting me to this, I didn't feel like she was involved enough as a mother to me.

My brother had already moved out because he was older than me, and he already graduated, had a job, and moved overseas. So I was just left with my parents as a teenager and they were doing a really messy job.